"Paul Merton - The Series"

Paul Merton - The Series - the POW sketch

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Paul Merton - The Series

“Innit marvellous...”

In 1990, Paul Merton and his schoolfriend and long-term collaborator, stand-up John Irwin wanted to create a show for Paul, following on from The Big Fun Show on Radio 4. It was commissioned by Channel 4 to be made by Hat Trick, and was called “Paul Merton - The Series”.

Originally slated to be directed by Ed Bye, there was a delay of a year, at which point, we asked Geoff (Posner) to direct the show, this being the first time Geoff and David (who was producing) had worked together.

The show itself was a mixture of sketches and, most iconically, stand-up delivered by Paul from a tobacconist’s kiosk inside a Tube station. Memorable moments include the talking dolphin somehow getting mixed up with Paul’s fiancée-to-be, Caroline Quentin.

Paul’s most famous joke - “My dad said “Don’t worry about the bombs. The only bomb you’ve got to worry about is the one with your name on it”. Which really worried my neighbours. Mr & Mrs. Doodlebug” - was eagerly anticipated throughout the series, and eventually appeared after the final credits of the final series.

Series 2
Re-commissioned as a series of six, we decided to make the show slightly more “personal” by cutting back on the cast and, wherever possible, having pretty much all the parts played by a rep of four - co-writer John Irwin, Neil Mullarkey, Robert Harley (“Green Wing”) & Ben Miller (“Armstrong & Miller”).

We also changed the rhythm of the show by having more quickies, and by letting Paul address the camera directly in sketches, subverting them at the same time as performing in them, most noticeably in the Submarine sketch (with Robert Daws) and the Frankenstein sketch.

Notable moments during filming came when, during a scene where Paul, as an SAS man, had blown up a fishpond, a large amount of fish was supposed to crash-land on John Irwin’s Sentry Box, it landed instead on John himself. A lot of fish can be extremely heavy, and John did have to lie down for quite a while.... The dolphin made a return visit, as did Delia Smith and for some reason, Bob Holness...

Paul Merton - The Series

Series 1

Show 1

 First Tx: 25/9/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

In the first show, Paul recounts his wartime experiences in a German Prisoner-Of-War camp, is visited by aliens, and gives us his views on subjects as wide-ranging as what the Romans used as condoms and the Kennedy Assassination. Plus your chance to find out what people really get up to in a Turkish Bath, and the secret life of Paul's children. Plus a ginger wig and a special treat for chicken-fanciers.

StarringPaul Merton
 
and featuring
Kiosk ManPeter Waddington
WiggyRoger Walker
Ticket InspectorJohn Irwin
Mr. McNultyColin Higgins
Charles TimpsonAndy Greenhalgh
Jim WeaverLou Hirsch
DI George TuppenceRobert Swann
Elizabeth PierceDiana Kent
Nervous Cigarette ManRobert Harley
JenniferPolly Irvin
Turkish Bath ManGeoffrey McGivern
POWCollin Johnson
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 2

First Tx: 2/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

In which Paul plunges into the murky world of Genetic Engineering and does battle with an electric chair. Plus the most baffling murder mystery ever and the weirdest warehouse in the world. A talking dolphin and the tale of the cat, the burglar and the bucket of coffee complete the evening's entertainment. Oh, and don't forget to bring your butterfly net ... 

StarringPaul Merton
 
and featuring
Professor GillespieCaroline Quentin
The DolphinJohn Irwin
Mrs. GibbsCarole Hayman
Security GuardNigel Humphries
JudgeDonald Pelmear
Bank Of England Man 1Ian Barritt
Bank Of England Man 2Andy Taylor
Racing CommentatorTim De Jongh
Mortuary InspectorAlister Cameron
IgorAndy Linden
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 3

First Tx 9/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

This show includes the now-legendary programme "Paul Merton's Golden Years of Hollywood" where he salutes Bobby Lomax, the worst continuity man in the world. Also featuring the strangest autopsy ever as well as the truth behind the afterlife, with Paul greeting you as you arrive in heaven. Paul's schooldays are remembered in gory detail and Ringo Starr pops in for a bag of toffees…

StarringPaul Merton
 
and featuring
Kiosk CustomerJeremy Swift
SpyBill Thomas
Film BuffTim Stern
Film Buff’s WifeJudy Elrington
Man in CinemaJonathan Stratt
Woman in CinemaRebecca Stevens
Man In HeavenMike Walling
Ringo StarrKen Drury
Beatles fanGina McKee
Post Mortem NurseFlip Webster
OrganistNeil McArthur
Panto ActorDavid Battley
Fat ActorDavid Verrey
Lady ActorAmanda Walker
Bobby LomaxKerry Shale
Mrs. LomaxColette Hiller
Old Mrs. LomaxHelen Horton
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 4

First Tx: 16/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

The show centres on the strangest and certainly the funniest dream ever - more cannot be revealed at this stage! Suffice it to say that you've never seen a cat, a telephone box, a life-support machine and an elephant do that sort of thing before ...

There is also a chance to meet Father Matthews, a priest with a penchant for using Zombies around the parish and why Paul will never get out of prison. Plus stand-up on etiquette, death, Maureen Lipman and why the "A to Z" is such a damn good read.

StarringPaul Merton
 
and featuring
Kiosk ManChris England
Video Game PlayerNick Hancock
Job Interviewee 1PJ Nicholas
Job Interviewee 2Neil Mullarkey
Job Interviewee 3John Irwin
SecretaryAlice MacDonald
Customs OfficerJames Gaddas
Father MatthewsLee Simpson
Mrs. FinchCaroline Quentin
BarryTim De Jongh
DentistLesley Nichol
ArchitectGeoffrey McGivern
Ship’s CaptainTony Hawks
Crime Prevention ManRobert Harley
ManBrian Pettifer
WomanPaula Ann Bland
Restaurant WomanMoira Brooker
Restaurant ManAnthony Milner
Parole Board LadyAngela Morant
Parole Board ManDavid Howey
Elderly Parole Board ManHugh Munro
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 5

First Tx: 23/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

"Paul Merton's Golden Years of Hollywood"  returns with a look at the toughest stuntman ever. Paul offers a customer a range of unique tattoos and plays the strangest round of golf imaginable. Plus a bike ride with a difference, how to keep fit with a buffalo and a pair of welding gloves and what happened when a band of yobbo conjurers went on the rampage ...

StarringPaul Merton
 
and featuring
Kiosk CustomerChris Samsworth
Mrs. NewmanCheryl Hall
Frank NewmanWilliam Todd Jones
Mrs. Newman’s New BlokeRay Ashcroft
Pools CustomerClare Travers-Deacon
Prison GuardCliff Parisi
F/O WatsonChris Lang
RAF NCOJohn Irwin
OrganistNeil McArthur
Dan O’GutsBill Weston
Launderette LadyGabrielle Blunt
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 6

First Tx: 30/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

In this show, the worst thing that could happen at the dentists and the worst thing that could happen in an ambulance. What secret lurks inside Paul's wardrobe and the sickest quiz show on television. Why Paul's hair has filled in a tax return and what public amenity lives in his trousers. What happens if you decompose at a disco and a touch of Glen Miller.

StarringPaul Merton
 
and featuring
DentistDaniel Strauss
CarverPaul Whitehouse
Prison OfficerGeoffrey Leesley
GuardsmanVictor Spinetti
Horse 1Hugh Dennis
Horse 2John Thomson
Mrs. YoungFelicity Montagu
Man In Waiting RoomNeil Mullarkey
DoctorAlison Fielding
VicarRichard Turner
OrganistNeil McArthur
MaynardDavid Quilter
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin
 

Casting
Rebecca Howard
Kate Day

Location Camera
Martin Hawkins
Colin Munn

Location Manager
Stan Fus

1st Assistant Director
Nikolas Korda

Production Accountant
Mark Beaumont

Production Team
Christine Moses
Jess Van Niekerk
Janice Schumm
Miles Evans

Property Master
Allen Polley

Property Buyer
Paul Woods

Floor Manager
Simon Wallace

Stage Manager
Gail Berryman

Vision Controller
Chris Methven

Vision Mixer
Barbara Hicks

VT Editor
Mykola Pawluk

Costume Designer
Jo Thompson

Make Up Designer
Christine Cant
Lyn Humble

Production Assistant
Lesley Davies

Senior Cameraman
David Fader

Sound Supervisor
Keith Mayes

Lighting Designer
John Fyfe

Designer
Graeme Story

Production Manager
Carrie Fletcher

Executive Producer

Denise O’Donoghue

 
Directed byGeoff Posner
 
Produced byDavid Tyler

Series 2

Show 1

First Tx: 3/9/93 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

He's back! The man with the deadliest line in dead-pan returns to his Tobacconist's Kiosk to dish out his own brand of wit, wisdom and boiled sweets. This episode also features Paul in a very strange Butcher's shop, as the man who can see into the future, and what happened when Paul joined the SAS. Plus Paul has a go at acting underwater and staying dry at the same time.

StarringPaul Merton
 
withJohn Irwin
Ben Miller
Neil Mullarkey
Robert Harley
 
and featuring
Tourist MumAmanda Dickinson
Butcher’s Shop CustomerKathryn Pogson
Fortune Teller’s ClientFlip Webster
JennyHelen Masters
Senior British OfficerIan Collier
Submarine CaptainRobert Daws
RatingPJ Nicholas
Old LadyGabrielle Blunt
Old ManJohn Boswall
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 2

First Tx: 2/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

More Kiosk quips as Paul opens up a sideline in dry-cleaning. An heroic trip to the South Pole, a car, a sheep, a pig and Marilyn Monroe all put in an appearance this week. Plus, what really happens in a hospital behind closed doors and a fairly cheap cucumber joke. 

StarringPaul Merton
 
withJohn Irwin
Ben Miller
Neil Mullarkey
Robert Harley
 
and featuring
GeneralReginald Marsh
PrivatePJ Nicholas
BeauticianAmanda Dickinson
Polar ExplorerDavid Jackson
JournalistFlip Webster
GeraldRobert Daws
Dry Cleaning LadyThea Bennett
Blue Old LadyStella Tanner
Red Old LadyVivienne Martin
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 3

First Tx 9/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

In this episode, Paul meets some tricky customers in his Kiosk and has to call in an Exorcist and some jellied eels. It's glamour and excitement all the way, as we travel to 18th Century Ruritania, 1930s Hollywood and 20th Century Stansted Airport. And Bob Holness makes an unexpected appearance.

StarringPaul Merton
 
withJohn Irwin
Ben Miller
Neil Mullarkey
Robert Harley
 
and featuring
FritzCyril Shaps
LandladyCaroline Loncq
Will The CarpenterPeter Guinness
PriestPeter Benson
PlanespotterStephen Marcus
DaphneKathryn Pogson
GamblerNigel Whitmey
EmilyVictoria Wicks
ClaudeMichael Mears
as himselfBob Holness
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 4

First Tx: 16/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

Yee ha! It's hoedown time at Tombstone Gulch as Paul rides in to town! Which has nothing to do with a zebra, a traffic warden and a roulette wheel. Paul reveals that he used to be Cilla Black, and tells of his wartime adventures, and what he really said to Winston Churchill 

StarringPaul Merton
 
withJohn Irwin
Ben Miller
Neil Mullarkey
Robert Harley
 
and featuring
Mills & Boon LadyFlip Webster
Paul’s WifeAmanda Dickinson
Casino AssistantMorgan Jones
SheriffTed Maynard
Old-TimerKerry Shale
StrangerBill Roberts
LandladyLolly Susi
TerryJonathan Stratt
Court PolicemanPJ Nicholas
Air CommodoreAllan Mitchell
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 5

First Tx: 23/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

Paul expands the Kiosk into a Legal Advice shop, a Foto Centre and a café, but spends most of the time talking to a wasp. King Edward the VIIth comes to dine, and the Pope applies for planning permission. With special guests Simon Williams and Terry the Wasp.... 

StarringPaul Merton
 
withJohn Irwin
Ben Miller
Neil Mullarkey
Robert Harley
 
and featuring
Kiosk LadyAlice MacDonald
Lord EllburySimon Williams
Lady EllburyKathryn Pogson
EmilySiobhan Hayes
MillwardJohn Woodnutt
Lord CoatbridgeRaymond Witch
Lady CoatbridgeAndree Evans
Chocolates LadyJoy Shelton
HitlerBill Thomas
Titanic CaptainPatrick Godfrey
Café PianistStefan Bednarczyk
ChanteuseCaroline Quentin
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin

Show 6

First Tx: 30/10/91 22.00-22.30 Channel 4

The final show in the series, and Paul turns up as the last person you'd want to share a lifeboat with. From his Kiosk, he explains why NASA never empty the ashtrays, what happens when you take a pylon to the cinema and something rather special about Peterborough. Meanwhile, Delia Smith makes a guest appearance, but only as a hologram...

StarringPaul Merton
 
withJohn Irwin
Ben Miller
Neil Mullarkey
Robert Harley
 
and featuring
Lifeboat CaptainHugh Bonneville
SoperDavid Jackson
FowlerTrevor Baxter
Old Dr JagoJohn Barrard
Mortuary DetectivePeter Guinness
Xmas MumAmanda Dickinson
RobocopJason Maverick
Santa ClausBrian Rawlinson
Xmas LadyThea Bennett
BallerinaHelen Webb
Paul’s ChildrenLuke Gregory
Karen Salt
Damien Hunt
Leonard Kirby
as herselfDelia Smith
 
Written byPaul Merton
&John Irwin
 

Casting
Michelle Guish

Visual Effects
Artem
Steve Webster

Location Camera

John Rosenberg

Location Sound
Pete Vasey

Location Manager
Stan Fus

1st Assistant Director
Nick Rae

Production Team
Emma Butterworth
Jim Imber
Fiona Lancaster
Kate Newington
Melanie Parker

Property Master
Andy Beales

Set Dresser
Amanda Ackland-Snow

Floor Manager
Simon Wallace

Stage Manager
Keren Eliot

Vision Mixer
Barbara Hicks
Paul Wheeler

VT Editor
Mykola Pawluk

Costume Designer
Caroline Pitcher

Make Up Designer
Christine Cant

Production Assistant
Pam Wylde

Senior Cameraman
David Fader

Sound Supervisor
Keith Mayes

Lighting Designer
Christopher Davies

Designer
Denis De Groot

Production Manager
Susy Liddell

Executive Producer

Denise O’Donoghue

 
Directed byLiddy Oldroyd
 
Produced byDavid Tyler

Paul Merton - The Series

To read more about Paul Merton on the BBC's website click here

Click here to hear the famously mournful signature tune. It's called "Please Maestro" and it's French.

Click here to see the original handwritten first copy of the "Meters" sketch with the "Gas", "Electricity" and "Non-Zebra" meters. Written by Paul Merton and John Irwin, this first draft has an elephant for the punchline. A zebra was a compromise. Isn't it always?

The first series was released on video (but not yet on DVD) and you can still hunt it down - click here - It's most excellent. See if Channel 4 will release the second series sometime......

and best of all, Paul Merton himself has released a DVD covering his whole career, "The Paul Merton Collection", including many extracts from the show - click here


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